My first month as a Linnberg

Just about a month ago, Jan and I married with our toes in the sand! A whole MONTH already! And it took a month to get my name officially changed- paperwork, and lines and mail and paperwork and fees and waiting. But I made it. Came out the other side a Linnberg. Ash Linnberg. Ashley Linnberg. Mrs. Linnberg. …WEEEIRD. A little neat, but still weird. Wondering when speaking it out loud and using the phrase “my husband” will feel normal. Speaking of- my husband and I have been living the good married life and haven’t found reasons to kill each other. #marriedAF Every morning is a fresh one. Fresh snuggles and fresh eggs and fresh kisses and hugs. He claims marriage makes everything better, too. The way his clothes fit, the air, the food, house chores…everything is BETTER. Can’t argue him. I get better every damn day. ZING!

It’s almost June now, and school is coming to a close. Oliver is pumped! And *I* will have a FOURTH GRADER on my hands. Yeesh. The summer for our family will be packed with weekends outdoors, weekday park and pool trips, playdates, yoga, and family stuff. I intend on making more trips to the farm for hangs (both Linnberg and Olson farms), and having cook outs regularly. We may spend our days feeding ducks and going for walks and swimming or playgrounding. I want to get to the family museum every once and a while, too. Just so many THINGS I have planned, and only 12 weeks to do it all. On top of kid and family plans, I’m making personal goals for ME. I want and need to revisit my yoga books from school. Study up and learn and apply. I also have some books to read on deepening my yoga practice and spiritual connection shit that I am hoping is more “good vibes” than “praise the lord”. But if you know me and books, my track record for finishing a book is no bueno. Unless it is about magic and mythology #wishmeluck

Arthur, my nephew, is turning ONE already in less than a week! #T I M E F L I E S * and Frank will be TWO in a a couple weeks. We are throwing him a dinosaur/ Jurassic Park themed party! Kind of excited to decorate and bake and host. I really don’t mind it, and our house isn’t THAT bad at hosting our brood of fam and friends. Planning on it being outside with a blow up pool to splash in, piñata, games, and cupcakes! I mean, the kid is turning 2…the party is really for me, right?

summing it all up: life is good.

Can not complain much, even though I do. My family is happy and healthy. We have a roof over our heads and food in our bellies. I have great friends, amazing kids, and a husband who truly LOVES me. So yeah.. hashtag blessed.

PS*** tooting my yoga horn*** check out my class schedule and come to a class or two or three or ETC

 

because love

We, as humans, are lucky enough to fall in love. However many times, however long, however blissful or painful… we can feel love and give love unconditionally. It is incredible, isn’t it? Through all the heartbreak and fights and down and outs and loneliness we may feel, there is always love. Really BIG love. Heart-wrenching, body-aching, head-over-heels love. I consider myself lucky! Jan is that big love. After nearly 6 years (2 of which were long distance!), I still have butterflies… He makes my heart pound so hard I clutch my chest. He makes me crazy with frustration and wild with lust. He takes away my worry and amplifies my joy. He is the most considerate and the most forgiving. He is always the center of attention and he is always the funniest person in the room. He gets me. He makes me feel beautiful. He cares about my feelings and encourages my goals. And he truly loves me. ME. He knows my faults, and loves me regardless. It is the kind of love that makes single people cringe. For real.
So, why do I brag, I mean blog, about this? Because I am happy. And because I love expression through words. #nerd

…”you become your own personal therapist. and when you really commit to the process, you find yourself saying exactly what you need to hear.” -Frankie, Grace&Frankie

I don’t ever expect anything to come about from my blogging. Ever. Or my journaling. The only “reason” I have written/vented/complained on paper or online, is to help myself. It is [free] self help. It is therapeutic. It’s the whole get-things-off-my-chest/ clean slate feeling. When I finish journaling or blogging, I feel fresh. Like a BIG BIG sigh. All the shit that floats and swirls around in my brain gets put somewhere else. And often times, I am forced to deal with shit I may have been avoiding. Therapy. See? So, if you are someone who has never kept a diary or written lists or blogged, please try it. There is only clarity. Or full-on random rants. Either way, good stuff.

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Other good stuff: My babies. Being a mother is unlike any other adventure I could have imagined.  My boys challenge me EVERY GOD DAMN DAY, and I am a better person because of them. Mothers are the least judgmental and most judgmental people I know..but it makes sense. We are in charge of tiny humans. We are responsible for their well-being and upbringing (shout out to all single moms and dads out there!) and all the in-between shit. We are their end-all…their favorite people and their worst nightmares. But we KNOW that, and we parent on anyway. Our kids won’t always think we are the greatest thing since Daniel Tiger, and they won’t always stay little. Having an 8-year-gap between my two boys really puts time in perspective. I love my Oliver very differently than I do Frank. Is that ok to say? I mean it like this. I love Ollie with a respect and expectation that I can’t love Frank with right now. And I love Frank with a sense of wonder …oh fuck it. I sound ridiculous. My point is! The age difference between my babies is amazing. I love it. I love how I can equally share time and experiences with them without feeling guilty. Oliver is a HUGE help and loves his baby brother so much…

I am just full of love. ALL THE LOVE. My family is amazing. I am happy in love. I get to marry the man of my DREAMS, and I’m bursting. It is fucking pathetic how full of love I am. And also grateful… I appreciate my life. My kids. My man… It is such an overwhelming feeling I welcome with open arms. I deserve this. Everyone deserves to feel this.

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My Janny and I will be reunited in less than 2 weeks. CAN YOU FEEL THE EXCITEMENT!?!!!?

 

self love.

self love. *takes a deep breath* self love, for me, isn’t something I’ve ever struggled with really. I love me. I love my life, and I’m always comfortable being myself… and I feel loved. Which is why I get so mad at myself for being (suddenly) so self conscious about my body. The scale, the mirrors, trying on bikinis, and comparing myself to others. BAD. bad Ash. I psych myself out, I think, and convince myself that 5 or 10 more lbs on a scale means I’m not Ash. Crazy, right? In my mind, I have how I should look (to myself or how others see me), and it doesn’t match what I see in the mirror. It is so silly, right? Writing it out makes me feel even more ridiculous for thinking/admitting it. But it isn’t uncommon. This stuff is shoved in our faces and down our throats every damn day. “For a beautiful body”…”Get abs NOW”…”The look you want” ETC ETC ETC  It is rough being a lady in the world, and on top of that we have this notion that we should be a certain way/fit into this mold that is absolutely impossible. I am lucky enough to have VERY good friends who support me no matter what, tell me truths and empower me. I know I am strong. I know I am beautiful. I know I don’t NEED to lose 20lbs (rolls eyes for everyone in the universe). Maybe, for me, this nonsense started after Jan left. And then the new year came around (resolution BS). And now I’m sweating just thinking about seeing my love and MARRYING HIM on a beach. All that probably did it. yeah. I mean…I just need to stop. stop the negative self talk and amp up the self love. I feel I’m not the only person who should take that advice.

Until next time~ chill, breathe, and spread those happy vibes

on hold

It seems that the life we were living has stopped in a way. Paused. Sure, time is moving. The kids get baths and dinner and go to school [mostly] on-time, the chores and to-dos continue on. But the real bits (the shared “us” bits) are on hold.
Bummer: Every “free” moment I find is without him. The moments before sleep are spent missing his voice and tiny kisses. Every movie watched, every lazy Sunday, every joke made, every night in is without him … they are all moments we aren’t making memories together.
Upside: We only have 6-ish weeks left of this!  The end of November and the entirety of December were the worst weeks, but NOW! Now it is all downhill and I can see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. I am quite overjoyed! I lay awake at night thinking about that moment when I get to see him again. The moment, I imagine,  where I run up to him, lunge and jump into his DREAMBOAT arms, breathe him in/shower him with a million kisses all over his face, and wipe my happy tears all over his cheeks. Just like the opening scene in Love Actually, it will be perfect.  It will be such a relief! I’ve been thinking about it for weeks… And it is just around the corner!
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Things in my brain:
-I really want to write (in my journal) more consistently *bullet journaling?
-Oliver starts basketball next week…on top of piano lessons, gymnastics, and school. Gotta get on my mom A-game
-Frank is talking all.the.time. He babbles on and on about who knows what a lot of the time, but also will repeat what you ask him to say-dangerous and hilarious
-I started watching Mozart in the Jungle (per Courtney) and am in love
-I cleaned the floors, walls, tables, laundries and kitchen today… I FEEL AMAZING. There is nothing quite like sitting down with a beer after going berserk on your house with broom and clorox. That, and I really enjoy the smell of these scentsy cubes (I think I am using a eucalyptus one now) #recommend
-I ate a slice of pizza in my bed last night…first time since college, I’m sure. It felt good.
-I’m co-hosting a prenatal yoga challenge on IG starting Monday, and I implore anyone who loves yoga challenges to join! It is exciting, and I can personally attribute yoga to helping me ease through my pregnancy and delivery…
-I have started this mantra/affirmation kind of thing that I tell myself in the mornings and throughout the day. So far, minimal return. But I am sticking with it because I want to and I think it will ultimately sink in. I set intention not just on my yoga mat, because I INTEND to be a more patient person. Patient and clear-minded. I hope to make this year one that is full of joy and positivity and strength. No more negative shit. NONE!
-Is it possible for me to live more minimalistically? <- is that not a word? As a mother and homemaker, I am so aware of all the THINGS we have accumulated. Looking just in front of me: toys (so. many. god damn toys.), DVDs, shoes, clothes… Stuff! Lots of stuff I am SURE there is plenty we have that I could donate/get rid of and no one would notice. I just wonder how one starts. I’ve already purged my closets and dumped 2 trash bags of clothes, etc off. I know I have more to clear out, too… Just a thought.

AND IN CASE YOU NEEDED REMINDING!
Jan and I are MARRYING April 14th in Mexico! Can not WAIT to celebrate with my love and all of our good friends!