My first month as a Linnberg

Just about a month ago, Jan and I married with our toes in the sand! A whole MONTH already! And it took a month to get my name officially changed- paperwork, and lines and mail and paperwork and fees and waiting. But I made it. Came out the other side a Linnberg. Ash Linnberg. Ashley Linnberg. Mrs. Linnberg. …WEEEIRD. A little neat, but still weird. Wondering when speaking it out loud and using the phrase “my husband” will feel normal. Speaking of- my husband and I have been living the good married life and haven’t found reasons to kill each other. #marriedAF Every morning is a fresh one. Fresh snuggles and fresh eggs and fresh kisses and hugs. He claims marriage makes everything better, too. The way his clothes fit, the air, the food, house chores…everything is BETTER. Can’t argue him. I get better every damn day. ZING!

It’s almost June now, and school is coming to a close. Oliver is pumped! And *I* will have a FOURTH GRADER on my hands. Yeesh. The summer for our family will be packed with weekends outdoors, weekday park and pool trips, playdates, yoga, and family stuff. I intend on making more trips to the farm for hangs (both Linnberg and Olson farms), and having cook outs regularly. We may spend our days feeding ducks and going for walks and swimming or playgrounding. I want to get to the family museum every once and a while, too. Just so many THINGS I have planned, and only 12 weeks to do it all. On top of kid and family plans, I’m making personal goals for ME. I want and need to revisit my yoga books from school. Study up and learn and apply. I also have some books to read on deepening my yoga practice and spiritual connection shit that I am hoping is more “good vibes” than “praise the lord”. But if you know me and books, my track record for finishing a book is no bueno. Unless it is about magic and mythology #wishmeluck

Arthur, my nephew, is turning ONE already in less than a week! #T I M E F L I E S * and Frank will be TWO in a a couple weeks. We are throwing him a dinosaur/ Jurassic Park themed party! Kind of excited to decorate and bake and host. I really don’t mind it, and our house isn’t THAT bad at hosting our brood of fam and friends. Planning on it being outside with a blow up pool to splash in, piñata, games, and cupcakes! I mean, the kid is turning 2…the party is really for me, right?

summing it all up: life is good.

Can not complain much, even though I do. My family is happy and healthy. We have a roof over our heads and food in our bellies. I have great friends, amazing kids, and a husband who truly LOVES me. So yeah.. hashtag blessed.

PS*** tooting my yoga horn*** check out my class schedule and come to a class or two or three or ETC

 

because love

We, as humans, are lucky enough to fall in love. However many times, however long, however blissful or painful… we can feel love and give love unconditionally. It is incredible, isn’t it? Through all the heartbreak and fights and down and outs and loneliness we may feel, there is always love. Really BIG love. Heart-wrenching, body-aching, head-over-heels love. I consider myself lucky! Jan is that big love. After nearly 6 years (2 of which were long distance!), I still have butterflies… He makes my heart pound so hard I clutch my chest. He makes me crazy with frustration and wild with lust. He takes away my worry and amplifies my joy. He is the most considerate and the most forgiving. He is always the center of attention and he is always the funniest person in the room. He gets me. He makes me feel beautiful. He cares about my feelings and encourages my goals. And he truly loves me. ME. He knows my faults, and loves me regardless. It is the kind of love that makes single people cringe. For real.
So, why do I brag, I mean blog, about this? Because I am happy. And because I love expression through words. #nerd

…”you become your own personal therapist. and when you really commit to the process, you find yourself saying exactly what you need to hear.” -Frankie, Grace&Frankie

I don’t ever expect anything to come about from my blogging. Ever. Or my journaling. The only “reason” I have written/vented/complained on paper or online, is to help myself. It is [free] self help. It is therapeutic. It’s the whole get-things-off-my-chest/ clean slate feeling. When I finish journaling or blogging, I feel fresh. Like a BIG BIG sigh. All the shit that floats and swirls around in my brain gets put somewhere else. And often times, I am forced to deal with shit I may have been avoiding. Therapy. See? So, if you are someone who has never kept a diary or written lists or blogged, please try it. There is only clarity. Or full-on random rants. Either way, good stuff.

fam

Other good stuff: My babies. Being a mother is unlike any other adventure I could have imagined.  My boys challenge me EVERY GOD DAMN DAY, and I am a better person because of them. Mothers are the least judgmental and most judgmental people I know..but it makes sense. We are in charge of tiny humans. We are responsible for their well-being and upbringing (shout out to all single moms and dads out there!) and all the in-between shit. We are their end-all…their favorite people and their worst nightmares. But we KNOW that, and we parent on anyway. Our kids won’t always think we are the greatest thing since Daniel Tiger, and they won’t always stay little. Having an 8-year-gap between my two boys really puts time in perspective. I love my Oliver very differently than I do Frank. Is that ok to say? I mean it like this. I love Ollie with a respect and expectation that I can’t love Frank with right now. And I love Frank with a sense of wonder …oh fuck it. I sound ridiculous. My point is! The age difference between my babies is amazing. I love it. I love how I can equally share time and experiences with them without feeling guilty. Oliver is a HUGE help and loves his baby brother so much…

I am just full of love. ALL THE LOVE. My family is amazing. I am happy in love. I get to marry the man of my DREAMS, and I’m bursting. It is fucking pathetic how full of love I am. And also grateful… I appreciate my life. My kids. My man… It is such an overwhelming feeling I welcome with open arms. I deserve this. Everyone deserves to feel this.

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My Janny and I will be reunited in less than 2 weeks. CAN YOU FEEL THE EXCITEMENT!?!!!?

 

In September

School is under way. The weather is changing. Pumpkin-flavored beers and lattes fill our feeds. Leaves are turning yellow, and lawn mowers seem louder. Fall is coming #Starksdidntwarnus

I like to listen to Ray LaMontagne, and Death Cab’s Plans album. I like to sip a good, dry red wine on my porch. I like to clean with the windows open. I like to wear oversize sweatshirts from Jan’s closet. There are all these things I love doing in September, and I know there are lots more I’m leaving out. But this September is unlike others. This September means Jan is leaving for 6 months. This September is bitter and empty. This September feels cold and heavy. And I don’t want to do memorable, feel-good things because my person won’t be here to enjoy them with me.

So yeah. There is that. And most of you know about it because you’re my friends and we told you about it. Whatever..My point is that this fall/winter will be different. I’ll be cranky, moody, whiny, and lonely. I’ll probably cry like a pregnant person, and be a giant puddle of mush. You have been warned.

I’ve got 13 days left with my best friend. Ollie and Frank have less than 2 weeks left with Daddy. And I feel it goes without saying…but it really, fucking sucks bad. Six months is a while. And, I know we discussed this-it was our decision to make- but it will still be a challenge. And Jan and I are soulmates, so we will be fine in the end… I just get so choked up about it all. This is one of 2 Sundays we will spend together until next year. Every kiss and every hug are counted. All the jokes and lovies are counted. This is really real life.

Now I have to go outside and help clean out the gutters. You know, normal family/house happenings. I’ll sniff up the sad for now and breathe slow.

Every.
Moment.
Counts.

It was the best of times, it was the busiest of times.

Somehow it is the end of September. With every sunny morning, sleepless night, and traveling here and there, the summer has slipped through my fingers. I suppose I can’t complain. Since baby Frank has come along, life has been amplified. Brighter, busier, happier, healthier, and lovelier. Oliver has taken to his role as a big bro like he was born to do it. Always helping, always using patience, and always making Frank smile. I have a lot of gratitude for my little 8-year-old buddy.

Ollie has had a lot happen this summer, and has grown up a lot (physically and mentally). He went on a road trip to Yellowstone with his dad in July, after our Florida visit. The two were gone for over a week, exploring and camping and bonding. It is good for him, I think. He has stories of bear sightings, and hiking adventures to share and remember always. In August, he stayed with his dad and Gigi (grandma) for 10 days in Cleveland to visit for his cousin’s birthday. Needless to say, Oliver has done more traveling this summer than he has his whole life. And he is a good little traveler (he is used to it, and hardly complains about long car rides). Since school’s started up, he is in the swing of things again. Second grade is “a piece of cake”- he was accepted into the TAG program again this year, and loves a good challenge.

Baby Frank is just the hammiest of all babies. Weighing in at 20 lbs already, there is a lot of baby to love, and we wouldn’t have in any other way. He is cooing/chatting more and more, and drooling like crazy. He loves books, tummy time, and watching everyone’s faces. We recently got him a walker (just a simple, no frills one that I LOVE), and he really lights up when he gets in it. He likes touching his toes to the floor/ground and the sensation of standing. Our little family drove to Colorado Springs a couple weeks ago to see my sister, and all the kids did really well (including Jan). It was a long, loooong drive out, and an even longer one back home, but every sleepy mile was worth it. My sister and Kevin (her fiancé) loved having us there for 5 days, and we had so many memorable days. *see photos on my IG* We are looking forward to seeing them (and the rest of the family) in December for xmas!

After we returned from our Colorado trip, it was nearly mid-September, and the realization that summer was ending had me feeling some type of way.  September 10th was the 6th anniversary of my dad committing suicide. It is always a hard day, and puts life in perspective. We are always taking time with our parents for granted. Life is truly a gift, and though somedays fade in and out, it’s important that we stop and appreciate the relationships and luxuries that we have. I didn’t know my father that well, and I regret not ceasing the days when I had the chances to learn. It effects me. It effects a lot (not knowing your parent). In fact, I want you to stop reading this blog right now. RIGHT NOW. Tell/call/text/email your parents and let them know you are thinking of them. Tell them you love them. Show them you love them. Being a parent myself, I realize just how important this stuff is to me. I will raise my kids to value this. Even families that don’t “share” or show emotions need to express their love somehow. So, go on. Tell your mom she matters to you, give her a high five, bake her banana bread, and tell her she is beautiful. Tell your dad he’s the reason you are so good with words/music/cooking/painting/cars/whatever it is. Don’t wait until you see/hear from them again. Do it now. You may not get a chance to later.

Dad and I at my high school grad party 2004

dad rocked the giant nerd glasses

#kidatheart

midi tops BEFORE they were cool

The last photo I have of us/dad. It was at Papa’s funeral, and he was able to meet Oliver

Feeling all the feels is one of many reasons why I continue my yoga journey. Yes, I called it a “journey” and no, you can’t make fun of me for it. #TRUTH I really think it is good to challenge yourself with things. Be it cooking that 20-ingredient recipe you saw on Pinterest, NOT eating the last cookie, or pushing your body to endure. #goals. I love getting results and the way it feels when I finally succeed. I’ve been clogging up everyone’s IG/FB/Twitter feed with photos of my practice and results. I know I post a lot, and if you don’t like it [unfollow] #Ashdontcare. It is my own way of sharing and showing all the things that make me proud. And yeah, I am proud of myself for sticking with yoga (even during/after pregnancy). Feels gooooood.

NAMASTE BITCHES #imagoddess

GODDESS-ING 9/17/15

THOSE CHEEKS!!

Ollie being the best big bro

Frank loves his daddy

mountaintop lovies

Oliver and his Woolou