self love.

self love. *takes a deep breath* self love, for me, isn’t something I’ve ever struggled with really. I love me. I love my life, and I’m always comfortable being myself… and I feel loved. Which is why I get so mad at myself for being (suddenly) so self conscious about my body. The scale, the mirrors, trying on bikinis, and comparing myself to others. BAD. bad Ash. I psych myself out, I think, and convince myself that 5 or 10 more lbs on a scale means I’m not Ash. Crazy, right? In my mind, I have how I should look (to myself or how others see me), and it doesn’t match what I see in the mirror. It is so silly, right? Writing it out makes me feel even more ridiculous for thinking/admitting it. But it isn’t uncommon. This stuff is shoved in our faces and down our throats every damn day. “For a beautiful body”…”Get abs NOW”…”The look you want” ETC ETC ETC  It is rough being a lady in the world, and on top of that we have this notion that we should be a certain way/fit into this mold that is absolutely impossible. I am lucky enough to have VERY good friends who support me no matter what, tell me truths and empower me. I know I am strong. I know I am beautiful. I know I don’t NEED to lose 20lbs (rolls eyes for everyone in the universe). Maybe, for me, this nonsense started after Jan left. And then the new year came around (resolution BS). And now I’m sweating just thinking about seeing my love and MARRYING HIM on a beach. All that probably did it. yeah. I mean…I just need to stop. stop the negative self talk and amp up the self love. I feel I’m not the only person who should take that advice.

Until next time~ chill, breathe, and spread those happy vibes

Advertisements

on hold

It seems that the life we were living has stopped in a way. Paused. Sure, time is moving. The kids get baths and dinner and go to school [mostly] on-time, the chores and to-dos continue on. But the real bits (the shared “us” bits) are on hold.
Bummer: Every “free” moment I find is without him. The moments before sleep are spent missing his voice and tiny kisses. Every movie watched, every lazy Sunday, every joke made, every night in is without him … they are all moments we aren’t making memories together.
Upside: We only have 6-ish weeks left of this!  The end of November and the entirety of December were the worst weeks, but NOW! Now it is all downhill and I can see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. I am quite overjoyed! I lay awake at night thinking about that moment when I get to see him again. The moment, I imagine,  where I run up to him, lunge and jump into his DREAMBOAT arms, breathe him in/shower him with a million kisses all over his face, and wipe my happy tears all over his cheeks. Just like the opening scene in Love Actually, it will be perfect.  It will be such a relief! I’ve been thinking about it for weeks… And it is just around the corner!
* * * * *

Things in my brain:
-I really want to write (in my journal) more consistently *bullet journaling?
-Oliver starts basketball next week…on top of piano lessons, gymnastics, and school. Gotta get on my mom A-game
-Frank is talking all.the.time. He babbles on and on about who knows what a lot of the time, but also will repeat what you ask him to say-dangerous and hilarious
-I started watching Mozart in the Jungle (per Courtney) and am in love
-I cleaned the floors, walls, tables, laundries and kitchen today… I FEEL AMAZING. There is nothing quite like sitting down with a beer after going berserk on your house with broom and clorox. That, and I really enjoy the smell of these scentsy cubes (I think I am using a eucalyptus one now) #recommend
-I ate a slice of pizza in my bed last night…first time since college, I’m sure. It felt good.
-I’m co-hosting a prenatal yoga challenge on IG starting Monday, and I implore anyone who loves yoga challenges to join! It is exciting, and I can personally attribute yoga to helping me ease through my pregnancy and delivery…
-I have started this mantra/affirmation kind of thing that I tell myself in the mornings and throughout the day. So far, minimal return. But I am sticking with it because I want to and I think it will ultimately sink in. I set intention not just on my yoga mat, because I INTEND to be a more patient person. Patient and clear-minded. I hope to make this year one that is full of joy and positivity and strength. No more negative shit. NONE!
-Is it possible for me to live more minimalistically? <- is that not a word? As a mother and homemaker, I am so aware of all the THINGS we have accumulated. Looking just in front of me: toys (so. many. god damn toys.), DVDs, shoes, clothes… Stuff! Lots of stuff I am SURE there is plenty we have that I could donate/get rid of and no one would notice. I just wonder how one starts. I’ve already purged my closets and dumped 2 trash bags of clothes, etc off. I know I have more to clear out, too… Just a thought.

AND IN CASE YOU NEEDED REMINDING!
Jan and I are MARRYING April 14th in Mexico! Can not WAIT to celebrate with my love and all of our good friends!