Maybe in the cold, cold snow 

Hello, it’s me.


Windy days seem longer with the weather shifting. Fall turning air colder and I hear the wind whistling through the cracks between the front door. Snow is coming soon. And I know that means more…More indoor time. More play dates. More yoga. More things to occupy my mind. Or more time to dwell on Jan. My beloved. My FIANCÉ!

He is away at the most snuggly time of the year. My head swirls with thoughts. With worry. With what ifs.

What if we won’t recognize each other? When this change ends, and we come back to us. What if he is all “fitness model, beach body Ken” and I’m like “plus-size, mommy-needs-more-wine Barbie” in yoga pants? Surely he will wanna make out! Yeah?…I mean, mom butts prevail, right?! #marryme

What if he looks at me differently? 6 months feels longer than 6 months. Will he love me more? Can he? Should I work harder? I haven’t cooked scrambled eggs since he left. Do I need to send more photos and videos of the boys?  Is he really okay? Do I really need to lose 15lbs? What else do I have to obsess over…

What if I break down? What do I do *when* I break down? Because it happens. Is that normal? Is that ok? Does he do the same? Does he cry when the weight feels heavy on his chest? Or does he go run/lift for the 2nd time in the day? Does he listen to Bob Iver radio?? I LOVE BON IVER. #nojudgement. I love re-watching Tumbledown and Like Crazy and Broken English…so what? Does he think about our wedding?  Does he know about happenings? Does he think I’m safe? And is he worried Don Trump is gonna grab all the pussies before he comes back? Ew. Sorry… but serious. Does he know I can handle this but have my moments? IM A LADY WITH REAL EMOTIONS!

I know I’m not alone in my thoughts. And I know things could be exponentially worse. But still-it would be nice to share these feelings &  confide in someone without being told I’m “looking for pity”. It would be nice to be human, and miss my best friend (him being gone by choice or not), without being told I’m crazy. No one knows how this feels until they are in this exact place. And no one should be able to make me feel more alone. Anyone who thinks they know how this feels/is, doesn’t. Unless they have this happen to them. It doesn’t matter if Jan is my friend, my boyfriend, my fiancé or my husband… no title changes how we feel about each other. No title comforts me when I’m sobbing into a pillow at 2am because I had a bad dream and he’s not there to shush me back to sleep. A title can’t hold your hand or hug and kiss you. You see? It doesn’t matter what Jan is to me. It matters who he is. He is my person. And he and I are apart for a while, and it sucks. And I’m ALLOWED to be upset about that regardless. I can’t help how I feel when I feel or what I feel. This is to be human. Man or woman- we all have our issues.

I’m grateful for my mama bear friends. I’m grateful for my family -who are only a phone call away. I’m thankful Jan is safe tonight, and we get to text everyday…

So, here comes December. All badass and wintery like a zombie Jon Snow only less sexy.  I hope it goes quickly. I look forward to Christmas with my mom and siblings. I hope my man stays safe (and sends more topless pics). I hope my babies hang in with me for a while longer. I hope for all good things. And I look forward to Santa sending an elf to shovel my driveway.

Cheers. Happy holidays, y’all.